I am floored. Absolutely floored...also relieved. I FINALLY have the answer to the question of the year: Why did Christopher break up with me? Where do I start? From the beginning I suppose is the best place. A couple weeks ago, I was packing to come to South Dakota to live with Scott and Chris was on the phone with me and he made a mention of how he and a mutual friend of ours who lives in the UK are interested in each other. At least he said he was interested in her and had thought for a while he might have feelings for her. No problem there. We had been broken up for over a month and there were no hard feelings. Not a huge deal.
Fast forward to yesterday afternoon. The friend from the UK comes online in one of my chats after being offline for a really long time. I was really glad to see her and to know that she was ok. She was telling everyone about how things were going in her life and she mentioned "her man" a few times. I knew who "her man" was. Again, no problem.
THEN, she PM's me and we start discussing Chris and I said to her that I figured her man was Chris and she of course said yes. Then as we start talking she told me EVERYTHING. She told me that she and he started having feelings for each other and getting involved around the end of October. Meaning that it was mere weeks after he and I spent an entire week together when he drove me from Nebraska to Virginia. WEEKS! Which tells me that he was never serious about me to begin with. If you truly love someone as he claimed to love me, NO ONE would come between you and that person.
I also learned that he made her feel quite bad and upset because she encouraged him for a very very long time to tell me but he refused and avoided it. He put her in a very bad place by doing that. He also told our other good friend about all this and she was also put in the same shitty place because she couldn't say anything. God knows how many of our friends he put in that place. I am pretty sure at least 2 or 3 people were in this crappy situation. Keeping up this fake ass facade of being in love with me for about 2 or so months.
It all makes perfect sense now. Last night I stayed awake thinking hard, after Scott fell asleep in my arms.. I laid there and analyzed in my head every single thing that happened in that relationship from when he came to get me in NE the first week of October right up to the present minute. I pieced together all the things that I was told and applied them to his behaviour toward me in situations that happened over the course of our relationship. All the times he seemed to never have time for me. All the things he said to me that made me doubt our future together. I never understood until last night WHY he acted the way he did. If you love someone as much as he told me he did, you want to do everything in your power to make them number one in your life and make them feel loved and important. You would have thought that he would have done everything he could to make sure that NOTHING could stop us from being together. He NEVER TRIED. He always said things like "Living together and maybe marrying one day is a nice IDEA..but I have to be realistic and my job and my school may not allow that to happen."
I was always so hurt because I felt so far down on his list of priorities. School and work seemed to be his life and I wasn't ever sure where I even fit in. I would hardly ever hear from him until like 4am when I was about to head to bed..I felt that I was shoved aside and I was lucky to even get a few minutes of his time in the end. He would only call me when he was on his way to class or work which meant I had roughly 5 minutes. Everything and everyone else always came before me. It made me naturally hurt and angry. I wanted so bad to know why...and we fought over it many times. He never could tell me that he wanted to make me feel important and loved. The last fight we had before he went into hospital for a bipolar episode was about this. Comes to find out, she was the one who talked to him and convinced him to go in hospital. She was behind the scenes the WHOLE fucking time and I had NO clue. Everyone else knew, but me.
He refused to tell me because he was afraid I'd be upset. Um, you think??? He KNEW from the very beginning how I had trust issues and he turned around and lied to me and cheated (yeah I know its long distance and whatever, but in my book its cheating when you have a girlfriend and you are chatting up some other chick and are interested in her and doing god knows what online and on the phone) She kept getting him to tell me and he wouldn't. How cowardly.
When he broke up with me after he got out of hospital, I just did not understand. Things seemed to be going well and it was a new year..but sure enough on 1 Jan, New Years day, he drops the bomb on me with some bullshit like "I hate to use the word "breakup"" etc...What the fuck? It is what it is. It was a break up. He told me that he just set himself up for something that he couldn't achieve and made a ton of promises to me that he couldn't keep. Um, no he didn't. He never promised anything, cause he was too damn ambivalent about everything concerning us. It just seemed to come out of nowhere and his reasons just sounded shitty to me. I knew that he wasn't being entirely truthful but what could I do? I never would have thought he was two-timing. EVER.
I got over it and saw things for what they were and I even told him much later on how I saw things in retrospect. He got very angry when I said that I felt that so much of our relationship had been based on sex. I mean hell, I feel that I had been used to some degree. No matter what he might try to tell me, but in the end thats how it was...he was always coming to me whining about how he wanted "attention" and I always hated that and I hated how he liked to use sex as a comfort thing.."All I want to do is have sex, eat and go to sleep." That's real nice. You don't want sex because you love the person and want to express your love and share something beautiful and sacred, you just want to have sex to feel comforted and what not. GROW UP.
Anyway, it all just makes sense and now I'm in a shitty spot because I promised that I wouldn't tell Chris that she and I talked about this. She's my friend and I don't want to hurt her at all or anything but he should NOT be allowed to get away with thinking that he pulled one over on me. I refuse to go on and act like he and I are cool. Before I found all this out, I was friendly with him and whatnot but no, I can't anymore. Liars do NOT go over well in my book. He lied, he cheated (even if emotionally) and he was/is a coward for not having the balls to tell me he didn't love me. He knew how I felt about him and how difficult it was for me to give myself to him so completely and he just threw that away or whatever.
I have started a silent retaliation. I am doing things that might let him know that I know what went on and is going on. Like I have removed his photos from my Flickr and I removed the video I made for him on YouTube that he used to love so much. I don't think he watches my videos anymore but if he ever gets the idea to watch that one and finds that it is gone..yeah. I'm not even sure who could find this blog, and I don't care. I'm not breaking any promises to anyone because I need to have a place for me to vent my feelings. I may even decide to make a YouTube vlog about it, but I thought I would write about it here first.
I am very relieved that I know now what I always wanted to know. It's so simple and I just for the life of me don't understand why he couldn't just be honest. That was ALL I ever wanted from him was honesty. Sad that I had to hear about it from someone else. I just hope that he doesn't do the same thing to her because she is a wonderful person who doesn't deserve that type of pain.
I feel very very lucky to have Scott who is a wonderful, honest, loving, caring man that loves me and me only and loves me intensely. While I was thinking last night and I started getting to the point of time where Scott and I got together and I moved here to be with him, I just felt so happy and lucky and wonderful, I cried some. I looked down at him sleeping peacefully and at that moment he was just so beautiful. Not that he isn't anyway, but I couldn't help but to notice what I have and how special TRUE love really is. I kissed him on the top of his head and snuggled deeper into his arms and fell asleep feeling quite content, loved and happy.
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